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PSA: Five Thoughts on Suicidal Ideation

I have been sitting on this post for months and months and it has held up production on this blog because it feels so important to get right (which means I can’t cut it short).

To share even one experience and bring into the light those ghouls that haunt the darkness feels like one way to take back power from the black, cold night.

I cannot pretend to speak for everyone — or even most people — who experience the urge to end their lives.

If you’re contemplating suicide, please call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255.

I can only speak for myself.

But I need you to hear me.

When I’ve contemplated death by suicide it hasn’t been because I wanted to kill myself. I have never wanted to kill anyone. I don’t know what that feels like.

Instead, it’s about not wanting to live. That’s an entirely different point of view.

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The first time I experienced suicidal ideation many years ago, I was engulfed by crippling guilt over a mistake that seems so inconsequential now.  I was convinced that everything about me was a burden on the world, that I was truly bad and the pain of existing like this was simply too much to bear.

For reasons that I’ll never quite understand, I was convinced that I was never going to escape my misery and never stop being a burden.

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Mental Illness is… a Lifestyle?

It’s Mental Health Awareness Month and I’m not done talking. Stay tuned for my post on suicidal ideation.

Every time you read a blog post or watch a YouTube video about someone’s new diet or fitness regimen what do they always say?  “You see this change is gonna stick because this isn’t about just going on a diet. This is about a lifestyle.”

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I love working out, but GTFO fitspo!

When I was religious it was always “Christianity isn’t about religion, it’s about a relationship.”

Folks are always trying to prove that what they’re doing or experiencing isn’t some fad, they aren’t doing what they “should” and they’re not being forced to suffer against their will. No they’re doing this thing because this is what they love. Now this is who they are.

It Feels Like Mental Illness is My Lifestyle.

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Antidepressant Weight Gain

Don’t you just love weight loss articles that start with pictures of sweets?

Let’s Talk Antidepressant Side Effects

Since I started on Lexapro a year and a half ago and added Wellbutrin six months ago I’ve put on about 20 pounds. Thank goodness I’m an aspiring powerlifter and I still use my Fitbit or who knows how much more I would have gained.

I went to the doctor a few months (and pounds) ago and for the first time in my life I was told that I was a few of pounds overweight (according to the admittedly bogus BMI chart). I couldn’t believe my ears!

But I shouldn’t have been surprised.

This past winter I was trying to zip up my favorite black sheath and I guess I was too much woman for it. The zipper tore away from the seam of the dress and I found myself trapped. The zipper wouldn’t go up or down. I was stuck (kind of like this girl). I had to wake Fred to cut me free! Continue reading

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I Quit Law … For Now

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

It’s a cliche that really takes me back. I’m talking way back. I can see myself gleeful in my graduation gowns: high school. college. law school?

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Wow, my hair was SO straight! And short!

Law school graduation was a strange day for me. I was proud of what I had accomplished. I was tearing up because it had been such an ordeal.

Six months ago I decided I’d had enough. I didn’t know what would come next or where I was going, but it was one of those “you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here” moments. I knew that my time in the firm had to end. Continue reading